Wolfspiders and Whey

Dear Arachnid,

I’m glad you brought up the subject of control because um 1. you don’t have any and 2. I’m gonna tell you why but 3. don’t feel bad every living being is one way or another a victim of the illusion of control.

None of us even have control over how we’re named. Take yourself for instance. Your names vary from something as uninspiring as Daddy Long Legs spider to something as cool as Government Canyon Bat Cave Meshweaver  (god that’s cool sounds like the name of a government spy/vigilante badass who spends her time weaving brains togeth- okay sorry)

The only notch on your belt i can think of is your kind unwittingly creating an okayish superhero. But um, what did happen to this one bite wonder bro of yours?

See the thing is you give people the creepy crawlies for sure, but you still can’t stop me from doing the macarena in your cave and destroying your spidey-lair-cobwebs any more than I can stop you stealth attacking me in the dark.

Like all well read tarantulas, you’ve probably heard about the Schrodinger’s Cat connundrum; the experiment that has harmed more physicists than felines. We don’t actually know whether the little guy is alive or dead until we take control and open the damn box. But even this display of control exhibits our lack thereof.

I’m assuming you’re familiar with that unflattering nursery rhyme Little Miss Muffet in which you scared that little kid and (millions of other little kids) just by sitting next to her (obviously you shouldn’t have it was wednesday and you weren’t wearing pink)

Anywhey (heh) what baffles me is, why are people even scared of you? Apart from Ron Weasely and other victims having traumatic childhood memories involving your kin, you’re not that impressive, fear wise. So why do people greet you with shrieks and profanity? What about you makes a person convince their loved ones to go on a killing rampage I mean YOU ARE NOT EVEN POISONOUS I don’t understand and then it hit me.. of course..

Must google it.

I did and get this.. apparently, you, at some point in ancient history posed a serious threat to human survival. Theories have emerged that it is in our DNA to fear you (1) It’s in our actual genetic core, something over which we have no control over. This is what scared me more than your spindly legs ever could. This lack of control.

At the end of the day, you and I are not that different. You weave a web of silk and I weave a web of memories all for the sake of survival and sanity.

botching analogies since ’03,



1 Comment

  1. Pingback: Wolfspiders and Whey | are too detour

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